omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
