I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
