how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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