That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
