I wannas sexs uuuuu
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
