i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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