In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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