theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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