my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
