you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
