We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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