Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
