dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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