respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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