If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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