So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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