Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
