I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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