4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
