and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
