Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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