Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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