Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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