you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
