this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
