the condom got lost in my hair
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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