saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
