im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
