He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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