it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
