I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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