so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize