If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
