What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
