I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You did what with his pubic hair?
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