He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
