After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
