i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
