Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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