You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
