wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You may now shotgun with the bride
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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