so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
