Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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