I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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