I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
