How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
