Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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