I bet he comes in French.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
