Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize