just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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