Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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