My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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