Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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