wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
