Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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