I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The Olympian is in my bed
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
