he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
