I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
